AÂ recent study conducted by a collaboration of the nation’s greatest mindsÂ is being released today, concerning the latest plague to hit the American people. The results are disastrous and now being categorized as a ‘sweeping epidemic.’
Data has been collected by over 200 of the nation’s greatest mindsÂ fromÂ scientists, sociologists, toÂ psychologists alike. Analysis of 100 years of a rising mental illness plaguing the United States indicates a widespread and rapidly growing trend of what experts are now calling: ‘Constitutionphobia’.
Constitutionphobia, wasÂ long thought to have been a disorder only affecting a small minority of Americans. Known affected demographicsÂ have beenÂ the liberal voting population. However, now scientists are warning the epidemic is spreading rapidly from average voters to politicians, even now reportedly cripplingÂ Supreme Court Justices. New data from the Study reports that symptoms include, but are not limited to:
ArbitraryÂ interpretation of the U.S. Constitution, dysfunctionality when reading the Bill of Rights, inability to process the articles of the Constitution which separate powers of authority, and even a loss of overall brain matter from engagement on issues pertaining to the U.S. Constitution.
Constitutionphobia is speculated to be a side effect from Liberty Obstructing/Statist Enabling Reasoning, or LOSER disorder for short. LOSERs are said to be contagious in large social groups and areÂ most commonly seen metastasizing in Public School institutions, Universities, Hollywood, Pop Culture, and Washington D.C. Identification of LOSERs can now be easily observed demonstrating symptomatic behavior such as flag burning, rioting, looting,Â bullying opinions, harassment of contrary belief, hypocritical arguments and other symptoms typical of disorders in theÂ governmentphiliac spectrum.
Experts are warning, treatment options are available, but difficult to administer which include but are not limited to: Daily infusions of Founding Father quotes, Freedom Radiation Therapy, Firearm Education, American History lessons, studies in Communism and Socialism, and Economics Comprehension 101.
The study discovered aÂ common allergy linked to Constitutionphobics. When in the presence of patriotic paraphernalia, acute anaphylactic reactions may occur. Items such as Gadsden Flags, Confederate flags, Betsy Ross flags, Apple Pie, and even recent accounts of allergies to Old Glory herself! They seem to just flee from the sight of all things Patriotic in nature like a vampire to garlic. Firearms are rumored to cause immediately death to those afflicted with Constitutionphobia.
The Constitutionphobic epidemic, if not stopped, is speculatedÂ to lead to societal disarray and eventual collapse. Moral subjectivism may lead to mob rule, which some experts are claiming could leave America lookingÂ like an episode of The Walking Dead. CAUTION: If you see these individuals in the street in their primitive state of mind with protest signs, DO NOT engage! Reasoning and logic measures at this point are well beyondÂ anyÂ therapeutic help.
By Lee Miller